/ Editor / 08 February 2011 / Leave a comment
I quickly learned everything I needed to know. If I should get poisoned at the tournament I need only eat a lot of salt, then head straight for the gadget kit in my spy car.
When they asked me to enter and write about a poker tournament I said "Maybe." Three seconds later, after quickly realising that this probably wasn't the best time to be playing it cool, I said "Yes." When I found out there'd be free massages I ran all the way home and started baking a basket of my best "Please Let Me Do This" muffins. The muffins were a disaster. They failed to become anything more than a muffin soup (patent pending), but it didn't matter, because everyone else was either too busy or in Argentina.
I had just one question:"What is poker?" But before they could give me an answer I had an even better question: "Just how free are these free massages?" The answer was "Very." Safe in the knowledge that I might soon be free of the crippling pain which has haunted my neck for the past three months, I found myself trapped in a Rocky style training montage, but instead of running up and down steps and punching dead cattle, I was reading the Wikipedia page for Texas Hold'em and watching Casino Royale. I quickly learned everything I needed to know. If I should get poisoned at the tournament I need only eat a lot of salt, then head straight for the gadget kit in my spy car.
I began to plot my strategies for the tournament. From what I could tell, based on all the films I watched, the winner usually showed their hand last and did so in a dramatic fashion.
I just need to make sure that it's always my turn to show my cards last. This can easily be achieved by initiating a game of musical chairs.
My only real concern is which persona and costume I'm going use. I assume most people will go for the obvious James Bond/Tuxedo combo or the Loud Mouthed Texan/Cowboy hat. I'll probably go for the Brothel Madame who doesn't take crap from anyone/wedding dress setup, just because I found the dress in a skip the other day and I can't imagine when else I'll ever get to use it.
According to the leaflet they gave me there's £37,000 of prize money and 170 players each paying £250 to enter. If nobody seems to be having fun I'm sure we can all agree to just cut our losses, call it a draw, take £217.65 each and go see a show together. Les Miserables is on around the corner.
So I'll see you at the Fox Poker Club on February 12th and 13th for Betfair Live! (I don't know if it's live like "You're live on TV, please don't swear" or live like "You've got to stop living your life like this. What would your father say if he could see you now?)
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